Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

   Don't like tipping bathroom attendants for merely handing me a towel. Maybe if he performed a service like wiping my ass I'd consider it.

   I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.

   What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

   this status has been formatted to fit your screen

   While Everyone Was Kung Fu Fighting, I went out and bought a gun.

   Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?

   Good for Boston...celebrating in the streets like Buckner caught the ball!!!

   Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news, his ring is missing.

   Thanks, Michael Douglas, for ruining the ONLY time I'm not worrying about cancer.

   If a woman doesn't like a man using a coupon on the first date, she should offer to pay.

   Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.

   I was offered a one night stand with a girl. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. I declined because I have strong morals and will power. Just as strong as Ajax, now available scented with lemon or vanilla

   Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.

   How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?

   People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics

   kinda likes ceilings. Maybe I'll become a fan.

   I wish I could delete all the cookies I ate last night

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."