Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

   Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend

   Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

   Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.

   a silent morning and a silent afternoon wouldn't be so bad either

   Who called it Star Trek III - The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas

   statistics show that 1 out of 20 of us live next door to a conivcted pedophile, not me though, I live next to two stunning 16 year olds.

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

   a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it

   Kate Middleton Is Now Officially A MILF

   • My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.

   To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!