Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

   "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

   Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

   If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

   I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

   Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.

   it's funny how social networking has made people more antisocial.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   100 people get swine flu and everyone wears a mask... 1,000 people get aids and no one wears a condom... Makes you wonder a little...

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.

   I bet Burger King started making their cardboard crowns bigger when they realized their primary audience was drunk college students.

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.