Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???

   This morning I phoned in to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. It was an automated phone system which said: 'Press 1 for the money / 2 for the show'

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   No wife ever shot her husband for doing the dishes.

   I took the Facebook quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the ass to wake it up.

   Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

   People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.

   When i'm Single,all I see are couples being happy.When i'm Dating someone,all I see are Single,being happy.

   T Pain is so old now, he changed his name to Knee Pain!

   Hey NFL...you should ask Mizzou how they've been getting along since they tolerated all of that social justice protesting! Haha, it's a ghost town over there!

   If lemons could talk I bet they would say "Hey! Did you know you have a papercut?"

   The first rule of Might Club is maybe.

   How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   Only 364 more days until Halloween!! I know, I know. I can't wait either.

   Bad Politicians are elected by Good People who DON'T VOTE!

   I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?

   My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.