Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says, "I have a lot of free time," more than someone eating a pomegranate.

   I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be

   Heard those ruthless and heartless thieves forced Kim K to put her clothes on first before robbing her.

   Someone needs to ask Hillary and Donald what they are planing to do about this growing and serious Clown Crisis?

   Can we get judge Judy to moderate the next debate?

   Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.

   One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.

   I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

   When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

   When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.

   I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

   Our family rule is that if the kid's costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

   When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.

   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.

   Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are

   Back in the days I remember passing chewing gum in school was like drug dealing

   Somewhere in Michigan an 8-year-old boy farted half a beat before that meteor set off an earthquake. It was the greatest moment of his life.

   Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times

   Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things