Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FISA documents being released. I suspect tissue sales are about to go up.

   Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   If you feel "blessed" because you have a lot of stuff, you obviously don't understand the meaning of "blessed."

   Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

   Brexit has inspired my wife to demand a sexit.

   Now that the Supreme Court has ruled on the Texas law, I'm sure the ruling will end all debate on abortion.

   Trying to convince myself peanut M&M's and red wine is an acceptable snack because together, they have the same ingredients as trail-mix.

   Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to hold a referendum with the same people who came up with "Boaty McBoatface."

   Shocked by the 16% approval rating of congress held by Americans in June 2016. That can't be right. Who are these psychos in the 16 percent?

   People should be indicted for putting raisins and walnuts in coleslaw.

   The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea who’s child it is.

   Remember when people had to entertain themselves on the toilet with a rotary phone.

   Pro Tip: Taking photos inside a Victoria's Secret to make your own catalog is frowned upon by their management.

   Taylor Swift on an episode of Scooby Doo: “And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling Kardashians!"

   We need to have a WORKemon GO Game ... Where people get out and walk around looking for a JOB.

   Iced coffee, for when you need to chug your coffee but don't want to lose five layers of skin on the roof of your mouth.