Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...

   Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, "Who's Siri?"

   Hey, little regular fry in with my curly fries. Just be yourself, buddy.

   Findings from meetings and conferences: "The only thing that often comes out of a meeting is the people who went in."

   RIP Chewbacca aka Peter Mayhew. I’d like to say a few words if I may. RAAARAWWARARWAAAR.

   The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

   Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.

   Still waiting to use “y=mx + b” in real life

   My wife made me a plate of calamari in exchange for helping her clean out her closet. It was a squid pro quo.

   I haven’t dreaded a Monday this bad in a long time. It’s been at least 7 days.

   Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays. Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

   : Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

   Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill?"...He says "Are you thupid! I'll thuffocate!"

   You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her

   At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like "Wow, She's so light." and "Is she even in here?"

   Based on my Netflix recommendations I'm either a serial killer or chef

   My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

   The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

   Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

   If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.