Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

   Today's World : You Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible

   Tell me what you want, so I can be sure to ignore you more efficiently.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   If you're not sweating, you're not doing it right

   I'm the Kristen Stewart of not knowing how to react to a compliment.

   Your day sucked, huh? I'm sure Facebook would love to hear about it.

   Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.

   If people would just give ugly people a chance and date them too, catfishing wouldn't be a thing.

   Word of the Day: Hippocampus - A college or university where a significant number of students are overweight.

   I believe in Santa! but I'm not so sure if he believes in me?

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

   I don’t even care who wins this Maroon 5 concert

   Ladies in Atlanta this weekend, every big dude is not an NFL player, don't get knocked up by the cook from Waffle House

   I want to go big AND go home.

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   filled the lip gloss with crazy glue, it is gonna be a quiet and peaceful week for sure.