Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. His wife, Hillary got $8 million for hers. That’s $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified under oath, that they couldn’t remember anything.

   I'm starting a cult, calling it Sheenism, you pretty much just get drunk and do whatever the hell you want, but you get a free What Would Charlie do Bracelet.

   Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive.

   All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

   There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

   When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys

   Some people should have a glass bellybutton so when they get their heads so far up their asses, they can see out!

   Ellen DeGeneres finds it hard to judge people and hurt their feeling so she is leaving American Idol. Producers have put in a call to Mel Gibson.

   Middle school- "shut up, it was a dare!" High school- "shut up, I was drunk!"

   According to Apple, 300,000 people did not have sex this weekend.

   Put this as your status if you know someone/are related to someone who suffers from "Put This Iin Your Status Syndrome" or PTIYSS. PTIYSS is a real disorder similar to Farmville that aggrivates the $H!T out of other people and should be taken seriously. T

   Surgery went well... thanks everyone for the cards and flowers, but get real people... send food!

   TERRORISM - This is what happens when you indoctrinate people with fairy tales that have no basis in reality.

   My plan to discombobulate people with big words has failed egregiously.

   Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!"

   if only you could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill

   I HATE people who take drugs. Customs for example.