Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired

   From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

   The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"

   I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse

   You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

   Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.

   Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.

   Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

   At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

   Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.

   I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....

   eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it

   I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.