Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal!

   Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.

   Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.

   ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.

   If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime

   The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

   When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.

   Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

   Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol

   Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday

   Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?

   Alert and sober is no way to go through life.