Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep. Friday night here I come

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   Justin Bieber was "Baptized" last night.... Or as the church likes to call it... "A failed attempt to drown Bieber"

   I see your "Restraining order" and raise you a "high powered telescope"

   Halloween is my favorite night of the year because we are all guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

   People on Death row probably don't think it's funny when the President pardons the turkeys for Thanksgiving.

   Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

   They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken.

   Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related

   I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, "You know what to do"

   My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.

   thinking of opening my own business... half sporting goods store and half hardware store. I could call it "Sport n' Wood".

   How do you circumcise an ISIS dude? You can't. There ain't no end to them pr!cks.

   I can't help but wonder if Bill Cosby's roofies tasted llike a Puddin' Pops.

   Black Friday shopping is unnecessary when you already did your shopping on looters Tuesday.

   Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

   One page of funnies a day is ruining my status as a comedian.

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, who came up with "quit while you're ahead?"

   [flashlight to face]... When we were young, we only had a few TV channels... *all the kids gasp*... And there was no wifi... *4 kids puke and 2 faint*

   if I was any more fun I'd be boobs and bubble wrap