Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you have a good plate of nachos when you rotate the plate a few times and still can't figure out where to start eating them from

   Does karma have a silent observers hot line or something? I'd like to speed up the process for a few people!

   12 miles on the treadmill in 68 minutes! ..... tomorrow, I might actually get on it.

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   Never trust those people who get to work an hour earlier than they have to. They’re up to something. Something sinister. Mark my words.

   Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.

   Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor

   Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yeah right. Holla at me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   What's longer than most relationships these days? This status.

   I need more pets because I'm running out of passwords.

   I use my birthday as an excuse to do whatever the hell I want. So basically it's just like every other day, except with presents.

   You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?

   Please write another brilliant status about how high you are. I'm on the edge of my seat here.

   I really wouldn't be worried about Hurricane Jose, there's no way Trump will let him into the country....

   Obey the law! Unless you support who I support, then go ahead and do whatever you want. Tremendous hypocrisy!

   I got thrown out of the park for arranging all the squirrels by height. Apparently they didn’t like me crittersizing them.

   Why is it you can smoke in a tobacco store, but can't drink in a liquor store?

   no terrorist, but he has blown up his underwear a time or two.