Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   When I looked out from my house, there were no cars....no people around, and my neighbors driveways were empty. It was quiet.......too quiet. Of course you would be thinking the same thing as I was..........that's right...Zombies!

   It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.

   I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.

   Some people are like clouds. Once they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.

   Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

   Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?

   Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...

   needs to stop listening what people are telling him to do and start focusing on what he really wants in life..... pie!

   There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating each other saves two other people in the world from misery!

   Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me.

   It kinda bugs me when people tell me that a book is a "real page turner". I think we all know how books work...

   Whenever I meet someone when I'm out and then friend them on Facebook, I'm always surprised that we have no mutual friends. Where did you come from, strange person? How do you know 600 people that I've never met? How is that possible?

   Dear people in the apartment beneath me: banging on your ceiling doesn't make me want to finish any sooner. It actually makes me want to leave the vacuum on indefinitely....and I think I'll go take a shower now, too."

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, its called growing up.

   This weekends forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out

   Why is it that the very people who are against abortion, pornography, and homosexuality are the very same people you wouldn't want to have sex with in the first place?