Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a commercial where every line at Walmart was staffed with a cashier. It's amazing what fantasy you can create on television!

   Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this gun in my purse will KILL you.

   Dear Yahoo, Ive never heard someone say "i dunno lets 'Yahoo It." Just Saying. Sincerely, Google.

   Just witnessed a man purchasing Tampax at Walgreens. This man deserves bonus points!!

   Sometimes I open the fridge and stare at the contents for no reason at all.

   Stop crying. You asked what I thought of your haircut and "macho" is a compliment where I come from, lady...

   Facebook Introduces New Oil Drilling Game, Spillville

   Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they'll leave you alone.

   can't understand you.... I don't speak fluent bullsh!t

   When Kanye and Kim finally break up - does that automatically put her back on the Black market? Asking for Lil Wayne.

   a man was just arrested for having sex with a woman in exchange for food. He was charged with dating.

   All these tornados need to aim better ---------> Westboro Baptist Church

   Vibrating tampons could cure the world of PMS.

   I love tan lines... it's like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)

   I wanted to smoke weed with this cute Mexican girl I work with today. But when I asked her if she had papers, she took off sprinting.

   Do some people just wake up one day and think, "I already have 2 bumper stickers, why not 70?"

   After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c unt.

   Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.

   Drank like 3 Four Lokos and some hand sanitizer last night, blacked out and apparently officiated a Monday Night Football game.