Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn't have sex. Just like being married again.

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

   I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.

   I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad

   Ants kill around 30 people a year......Marijuana is safer than ants.

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   Funny Conundrum: Most single people wana be in a relationship, and most people in a relationship wana be single.

   People always look for that one flaw or mistake to bring you down and ignore all the good you have ever done.

   Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more doable than they actually are.

   People complain too much on airplanes. like "For real? I cant get hi speed internet?! AND MY CHAIR DOESNT LEAN BACK!" .... "Dude, you are sitting in a chair... IN THE GOD DAMN SKY!"

   Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.

   seriously people, we all have smart phones. Stop with the weather updates on FB...

   My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you

   I love driving behind old people. You can get so much done: eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, read a book... write a book, etc.

   Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.

   Black Friday...the day when normal people turn into zombies armed with shopping carts.