Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko

   alot of people believe they came from monkeys...im not going to argue with them.

   I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, pants and boxers as slowly as I could. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the f*cking bus!

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes close

   (texting from my jail cell)Yesterday was International Ninja Day, when people were encouraged to carry toy weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank wasn't celebrating it.

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.

   Dear those people who use their cellphones as a personal stereo in public, stop it. Sincerely, Everybody

   Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.

   It's a new day - a chance to make new friends or piss off a whole new group of people. It could go either way.

   thinks Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   Does karma have a silent observers hot line or something? I'd like to speed up the process for a few people!

   Never trust those people who get to work an hour earlier than they have to. They’re up to something. Something sinister. Mark my words.

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   drinks beer to keep people employed

   Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."

   Just remember people...the sober one ALWAYS remembers everything :)

   The thing about unreliable people is that they are very consistent at what they do.