Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world

   The Less people you deal with, the less problems you will have.

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everybody remembers it except you.

   "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.", Ernest Hemingway

   it just me or you don't really realize how drunk you are until you are in a bathroom alone?

   Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

   Always surprised when people on Tiny House Hunters move in with their kids and there isn't a follow-up show called Tiny House Homicides.

   I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the #bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking the horn.

   If running on a treadmill was only way to Recharge our phones, we would be the healthiest people on the planet

   Someone here said that bullying and insulting people, for no good reason, means you're doing things right. When did humanity get so stupid?

   So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3 Except #631

   Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't

   When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

   A mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, "Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages."

   I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.