Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you get a sweet text & you just sit there smiling at your screen like a weirdo.

   Everything seems louder when you're trying not to wake your parents

   The drinking will continue until the economy improves

   During 2011, I was always drunk, crude, rude and flirtatious; just want you know that in 2012 you can expect exactly the same behavior.

   Come to the nerd side.. we have Pi.

   I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." I say, “No thank you. I already have a job.”

   The "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme caused me to start a lot of fights hoping I'd be shipped off to rich relatives.

   I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 

   It's cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won't eat them as soon as I get to my car.

   I need a drink, a woman, or a massage… or a drunken massage by a woman.

   Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.

   Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   Butt dialing was a lot harder with rotary phones.

   When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.

   Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.

   Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I'm here to learn the difference between your and you're.

   what do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand.

   I want to spread you open and lick you over and over. Wife - Are you talking to your Oreos again?!