Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."

   I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

   Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...

   I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

   Coronavirus is cancelling everything but my bills

   All those unmatched socks are gonna finally be put to good use with the toilet paper shortage going on.

   There will be a baby boom in 9 months, after this thing pass but them babies will be known as the Quaranteens

   I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

   Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell

   Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   Me and my recliner go way back.