Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

   Facebook Memories: Here's you and your ex-boyfriend walking your dead dog! PS- It's from the year your dad left.

   I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley.

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.

   I have heard "I can't believe you're still alive" more times than I'm comfortable with.

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you are attacked by a mob of Clowns ... Go for the Juggler.

   Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

   This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

   My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

   "My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."

   The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.

   Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

   I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

   1977: stayin’ alive 2020: stayin’ alive