Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When he was my age, my father had three kids, owned two businesses and a house. I can't even pull that off in 'The Sims'.

   Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

   Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.

   If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

   No, that dress doesn't make you seem fat...but your dependence on others' opinions definitely makes you seem shallow."

   I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.

   Not sure if "swag/yolo" finally died off, or something worse is coming

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.

   I get very competitive at all you can eat buffets.

   I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.

   Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.

   You can't deny chemistry. Some people just belong together...you know, like flies and shi t.

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.

   Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.

   I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.