Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.

   Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.

   Red flag laws sound great until you realize you’re labeled crazy for thinking 5-year-olds shouldn’t attend drag shows.

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

   Are the double maskers going to start yelling at the single maskers?