Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.

   Not to brag, but my nickname at work is "do you think he's alive?"

   You had me at "Hello"... But you lost me when you kept talking.

   I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.

   Don't worry Cat Zingano, I wouldn't last more than 14 seconds with Ronda Rousey either.

   Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

   Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster than that.

   Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...

   "The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

   Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding....

   I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

   Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

   I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   In our local supermarket, they always have 6 checkouts open. Except when it's really busy then they have 2...

   Sex is great, but.....HAVE YOU EVER HAD STUFFED CRUST PIZZA?!?!