Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.

   If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

   If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg... We left Myspace because Facebook was simple, not all flashy, & it was always changing crap... FYI... Your running a close race now... Leave an option for us to keep it simple... Thanks...

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   I think Bruce Jenner's trying a little too hard to 'Keep Up With The Kardashians.'

   If we have learned anything lately, it's to never run from a lazy cop.

   Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?

   The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.

   I havend't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he's okay.

   What if like 30 years from now they make a movie about Leonardo DiCaprio and how he never won an Oscar, and the guy who plays Leonardo wins an Oscar for his performance?

   I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment

   The result of a government shut down should be the firing of ALL politicians in Congress and the Senate.

   Look, Twinkies, I'm with Little Debbie Cloud Cakes now,,, and I won't let you hurt me again.

   I've been looking for an inventive way to get rid of all the worthless telephone books that get dumped at my door step every year so....."Trick Or Treat" kiddos!!!

   Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two..

   They called it boxing because fisting was already taken.

   Bill Cosby's lawyer says Cosby is legally blind, that might explain the sweaters & why he can't see his wedding ring.