Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there's an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.

   Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...

   I just watched a tampon commercial for 8 minutes before I realized it was an episode of Sex and the City.

   I once dated a woman named Deb who hated to be called Deborah. Then I dated a woman named Tammi who really hated to be called Deborah

   Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.

   A part of me wants to go to the gym and the other part of me is a liar.

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my pe**s."

   Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   Nobody in this world can be as patient as Ted Mosby's children.

   If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven't decided yet.”

   Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast.

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   OFF is the general direction in which I would like you to Fuck

   Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.

   Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

   I never realized how many of my Facebook friends were close with Paul Walker.

   Ziploc's idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.

   I'm sorry Burger King employee but if you want me to support you making $15 an hour, you 1st have to prove to me you can grasp the concept of "NO PICKLES"!!! We'll work on that jacked up attitude later...

   Misunderstanding one word can make all the difference - like the time my girlfriend said that she'd like me to splurge on her occasionally."