Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somebody let vegans know that their lifestyle is a lie. They consume countless insect fragments with everything they eat.

   So….Apparently driving past a cop…. While drinking water….from a vodka bottle…isn’t funny and is technically wasting police time.

   Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a very bad idea.

   Red states are much poorer than blue states. Because blue states are educated. And red states are full of morons.

   We're doing it because it annoys you 🙂

   I just bought $200 worth of groceries... And then ordered pizza because I don't feel like cooking after the hassle of buying groceries!

   I sent my Family Tree into ancestry.com. They sent me back a package of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   Marriage tip #10: Whenever your wife can't decide where she wants you to take her out to eat, take her to her least favorite restaurant, and then order her her least favorite food item. From then on out, she will at least always give you an option.

   I though brothels were only legal in Nevada, but I feel like I’m getting *ucked every time I get gas.

   ...wildly disproportionate accountability for trvial transgressions...zero accountability for profound institutional failure...

   How do you spot a nosy pepper? It gets jalapeno business

   Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn’t the other? He was a little more on.

   .I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

   What is it with so many of Trump's diehard male supporters, being terrible fathers? John Voight, Elon Musk, Rob Schneider.... What's wrong with you guys? Why are you all such terrible, terrible daddies? Is it because your daddy sucked as well?

   Do you hate it when someone hacks your update because they're smarter than you because you're stupid?

   по сути теперь мы владеем тобой

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

   Just had a triple chocolate Belgian waffle with toffee sauce, fudge piece and whipped cream BUT no sprinkles....Dieting is hard !

   Based on my life choices so far, my guardian angel lied on their resume.