Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saved my husband's life insurance company $500,000 dollars by switching to xanax.

   Q. What individual did the biggest favor ever for two people? A. The one who stood up when the minister said, 'Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'

   Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.

   Do to budget cuts at Al Qaeda, They will be Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins...

   It's beginning to look a lot like I'm going to have to go on a diet after Christmas.

   I dont like my eyes, they show me things I dont want to see.

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   I had a babysitter and she didnt watch me and I stick a pencil up my nose

   I'm thinking about taking up Meditation. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

   If Trump's critics are so skilled in finance, economics, science, negotiations, data analysis, and removing government waste, why are they also whining over struggling to find a job?

   Weed smoking and turkey pulling today. Oops…reverse those verbs. Sorry

   Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

   Whoever is controlling me at this game sucks ...

   Question, Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   Don’t worry, someday the other one will drop.

   why is it that we Park in a Driveway and Drive in a Parkway?

   Nice tree dad, are you going to put it up yourself? No, I'm going to set it up in the house...

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.