Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   Concept plan

   Black Friday special!!! Stay at home and save 100%.

   They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

   actually don’t have any problems, I only go therapy to brag

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   I have nothing to say, but I will say it often and loud until I'm heard

   They warn you not to drink the battery contents because the previous generation did

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   Santa has been reading your posts all year. Most of you are getting dictionaries.

   He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

   Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   The USA. Trump's 7th bankruptcy.

   why do people spend all day at work talking about going to the bar, then spend all night at the bar talking about work?

   I have been marked safe from being on the Epstein list.

   No Epstein files will be released. Hunter Biden is not going to be President. AOC isn't either. Trump's not going to prison, neither is Obama. Cut the partisan nonsense already, you numbskulls.

   If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.