Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.

   If you see me in the next few days, just assume I’m either shopping, wrapping, baking, or pretending I’m not panicking.

   I'm mad about how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   Will tell you exactly what Dems love the most.... The entire world, dozens and dozens of countries, turning on yours lol

   Black Olives Matter... Just love them right out of the can and on salads.

   Are we going to address how awful Ja Morant's rap game is?

   Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something Fishy going on

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.

   Some days I feel as if Lady Justice has taken off her blindfold, dipped it into some water and cracked me on the rear end with it.

   you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't mean it's good. Trash bags leak too

   Johnny Depp doesn't need to wear a mask in court because he has Heard immunity.

   If casual sex exists that implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   "Military only get one day" said only in june by homophobic peope who cant stuff up

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers. Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

   1 down, 98 to go!- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   I hate to break it to ya, ladies... but those Christmas cookies you bake every holiday season? Not that good.