Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I might not be the dumbest guy in the world... (well, as long as he stays alive.)

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.(too soon)?

   Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

   I went to a store that sells classic record albums. The sign on the door said "All Sales Vinyl."

   Being single be like, "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (Thanks, I feel so special.)

   Why didn’t we use the Seattle Space Needle to take down the Chinese balloon?

   I've lived around the world, hold several degrees, prepared every dish from every cookbook, play many musical instruments and have been champion on several international game shows. My name is Bindair Dundat.

   My friend runs a camping shop,and between December and February he has a sale,so I made him a banner for the front of his shop, it reads "now is the winter of our discount tents"

   I was stuck for a costume. GARBAGE. That’s perfect.

   The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

   I hate it when I lose my black friend in the hood.

   And in other news, a Federal Judge has blocked the return of the astronauts to Earth.

   If you ain't vaxxed, don't be jamming up our hospitals with your dumb ass. You ride that sh*t out at home with your Hannity and your horse meds.

   I had corn flakes for dinner.

   People's driving skills got me looking both ways at green lights!

   My wife weighs a ton. She wanted to get her belly button pierced . She got a hitch.

   Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can’t watch Breaking Bad.

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.