Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It's like the trash took itself out.

   Buckle up… if in the next 12 years there's only repuklicans and repedolicans and rapeublicans in office, the United States will lose its superpower title and become a wasteland of embarrassment and failure as other countries cancel it.

   Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

   They should switch the premise of The Amazing Race and make it about Caucasians.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"

   Are there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

   If you’re ever wondering who your real friends are on Facebook, delete your account and see who calls…..

   This is what I hate the most. Every single morning for the next four years I, along with hundreds of millions of people around the world, have to wake up fingers crossed to see if he's dead yet.

   If you need music at the beach, you're completely missing the point.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from last Thanksgiving.

   Gen X. Living in the shadows of Baby Boomers, yet not as identifiable as Millennials. A generation of nothingness whose sole contribution to society is giving birth to Gen Z. Those annoying imbeciles.

   One minute you are young and the next minute you are predicting the weather with your bad knee.

   Why do lesbos pleasure themselves with plastic dil-dos instead of plastic vag-ginas?

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   The Dow Jones: where your nest egg goes to get scrambled."

   My favourite stories are reading about the ones who voted for him whose lives are being destroyed right now. Now that's comedy!

   We are becoming a “pay forward slavery” society we are enslaving future generations to pay for our mistakes today.

   If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.

   After hitting that pothole I can see Spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

   My last relationship ended cause he wanted a long distance relationship, well he told me to go to hell