Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello, short bus? I found your missing passenger. Thats right, yes... Gary Koenig.

   ast night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

   Q. What do men want in a woman? A. XX chromosomes.

   My mother-in-law asked me to get her something to drink with her name on it. So I got her a Monster. And that's how the fight started!

   Two slices of bread got married... The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!

   The bad news is many earthquakes in California have caused severe property damage. The good news is on the days that they hit, bowling scores are at their highest ever!

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   You know me. If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighborhood.

   Walmart has their Gillette razors under more security than Pete Hegseth’s war plans.

   The fact that anyone thought Todd Chrisley was straight is wild to me

   A Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.

   Was up all night again trying to figure out how I would describe Yahtzee to a deaf person without using the jerk-off motion.

   Tonight I'm Invisible Man for Halloween, as in you won't see me at any of your parties.

   All balloon rides are cancelled until further notice.

   We know your from Michigan because You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

   Chaz Bono should be a weatherman. He is after all partly sonny. sorry I had to Cher.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   BREAKING: Canada to remove tariffs, if the United States agrees to do the same. Would you look at that… 🤣