Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will not to be outdone by Elon Musk....I'm announcing my Acquisition of "My Space" for $24.99...

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it Saving Ryan's Private

   Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

   Carmelo Anthony will be judged by a jury of his peers. By peers, they mean niqqers who who compromise 13% of the population yet commit 60% of all violent crimes.

   When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend I need something and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to help keep things real 🤣

   I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor wakes me on a Saturday.

   This may not be my Circus, and these may not be my monkeys . but I know all the clowns .

   I drove to town today to pick up my replacement glasses , you wouldn't Believe the people I ran into .....

   If I am ever at death's door I am leaving a flaming bag of poop on his front steps

   Jim Morrison was right. People are strange.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.

   With the shortage that's going on ..Are any of the pregnant men donating their breast milk? Or are they keeping it all for themselves,

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, yesterday I saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Instagram: A display of women with zero self-respect and we men are ecstatic over it.

   April showers bring Mayflowers... and we all know what Mayflowers bring... PILGRIMS!

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   The economy wasn't fine. But it was doing much better. It was seeing fantastic growth. And now that's finished with. You just watch how bad it gets to the next six months.