Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is how your government has been corrupted: 1) Donors give huge sums to elect politicians to office. 2) Elected officials rewrite the rules in the donors' favor. 3) Donors make a huge profit. 4) Repeat. Great job suckers lol

   I ask you , who Hasn't drank a bottle of fireball then went down the park slide naked at least once your honor ?

   What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

   I hate it when TV shows say "Adult Content" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after the kids...

   My belly is like jelly. I cut one and it's smelly.

   I’ve been on Facebook forever! I remember when we had to plow our fields in FarmVille by hand—virtually, of course!

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $75.00 worth of groceries with one hand.

   I can handle most things in life. But hearing someone chew their food is not one of them.

   Hi, I'm a bimbo. I never have anything substantive to say, but I post pics of my low-cut blouse exposing my knockers and get more attention than a car with a flat tire stopped along I-95.

   Fact: Those whining over the "first 100 days" haven't taken into account that their mothers took 280 days to make them, and look how they turned out.

   Tequila probably won’t fix your problems, but it’s worth a shot.

   As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got Facebook.

   buy ur girl Coldplay tickets or else her boss will

   It turns out as you get older you don’t actually figure anything out, you just don’t have the energy to care anymore.

   Soon you’ll have to pay extra to have the plane land right side up

   ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

   I bought a new stick of deodorant last night. The instructions said to remove the cap and push up bottom. I may be walking funny now, but my farts make the room smell baby powder fresh.

   Dense fog advisory. Couldn't you just say its moisture content doesn't go all the way to the top stratosphere? Calling it dense seems pretty insensitive.

   Don't buy plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced all natural skeletons are more environmentally friendly.