Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   His approval rating is going down faster than Melania on greaseball kiddie rock each time he wears his sequined Circus Ringleader Clown Suit.

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   With 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner, how does the shampoo know to go first?

   what would happen if you're scared half to death twice

   Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

   RIP Bob Saget: A comic whose stand-up routine was basically a 9 year old who discovered you can say curse words when your parents aren't around.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, damn that must have been really painful.

   being insane should at least burn calories

   20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   Kids these days will never know the pain not being able to see a movie because they are all rented out.

   Yeah, yeah. You buy brown eggs. Show-off.

   Before the Internet, most people thought villages only had one idiot. We sure as heck did not have that right.

   My name is, P01135809

   A phone booth was perhaps not the best option for Clark Kent to change into Superman. He always emerged with his underwear on the outside of his outfit.

   I once took a Viagra and it lasted longer than 4 hours. I asked my date if I should call the doctor. She screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"

   Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the Bartender says " Oh No Not U2 Again ! "

   My coffee is so black, it's running for President

   Home Depot is almost out of orange safety vests.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!