Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   Snapchat isn’t working. It’s the end of the world!

   I guess Joe Jackson coulsnt even 'Beat it' to death

   Egg Nog gives head.

   When I was a kid, we used to call tobacco stores and ask "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" And when they said "Yes we do" we'd say "Well why don't you let him out!?"

   New Lockdown laws...Screw child labour laws. Going to gather up the neighbourhood kids and build an ARK....actually scratch that, lumber pricing is ridiculous...going to build a Death Star.

   It is said that 1 in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I haven't yet figured out if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

   My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can't remember my password. FML.

   Please take care. You could have Monkey Pox and not even realize it. You may be a-chimptomatic.

   Thought I'd cook for the wife last night. Got to the part where the recipe said "Now chill in fridge for 1 hour". I could only stand it for like 20 minutes - it was cold and really crowded in there....

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Don't honk at me asshole, I'm not on my phone. I missed the light change because I was trying to get that last french fry at the bottom of the box. 🍟 😒

   Instead of a coffin, OJ will be buried in a white Ford Bronco, wearing black leather gloves.

   Why do Ziploc bags & trash bags come in a box? I guess the companies can't use bags

   Short, bald, overweight man with missing teeth and no money, tired of being ignored by women, seeks a lady who is not superficial, materialistic or judgmental. Must be hot.

   People identify as either Binary or Non-Binary. So even if they identify as Non-Binary, they are still binary.

   Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

   Someone threw a jar of Mayonnaise at me! I was like, What the Hellman!?