Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

   Doggie Heaven and Squirrel Hell are the same place.

   It's amazing how Facebook can spot a fake post but can't spot a fake profile.

   Look at that, one day into office and Trump ended Global Warming

   If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

   Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

   Inflation is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.

   If you have to pay a celebrity millions to hawk your product, your product must suck.

   I have CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!

   Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

   Welcome to your 60s - you now think every car has its brights on.

   Presidents’ Day is canceled until we find one

   I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

   I learned that just because you wake up naked in your back yard after a full moon and don't remember anything it doesn't mean you're a werewolf!

   Listen, baby, I can deal with the herpes, the gluten intolerance, and the irritable bowel syndrome. But I will not date someone who listens to music through their phone's speaker.

   How come kindness was never an option in Clue

   Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

   I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

   If you bought a fruitcake this past weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene.