Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The female version of teabagging is called flapuccino.

   Today at the Buffet I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   It's my birthday! I'm finally at that age where I can switch from health food to preservatives.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* so sorry

   what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

   I'm glad the earth is solving our over-population problem. Keep it up, mother earth.

   R. M. Was turned down on his offer to play santa at an all girls middle school.

   I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make". When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." Then I realised, I was playing the bee side.

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.

   I wonder if black ants and red ants have a beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

   “Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

   Closest I’ve come to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

   Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

   I was in a porno movie once. I played the role of the husband who left for work before the pool boy showed up.

   If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

   If you're running away from a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, DO NOT play dead!

   If anyone’s wondering what to get me this year all I want for Christmas is summer.

   Keep it up and you'll be a strange smell in my attic.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.