Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   How am I supposed to explain Daylight Savings Time to my neighbors dog?

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.

   The number of people who confuse ”to” and ”too” is amazing two me.

   Corn. The food that both enters and exits intact.

   All I said to the person in front of me at the grocery store checkout line was "beautiful mustache"...a COMPLIMENT. Then, for no reason at all, she got all angry, gave me a dirty look, grabbed her purse, and walked out....

   If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

   Jasmine Crockett is the Dollar Tree version of Maxine Waters.

   Some people say I'm missing a few screws. Truth is I lost the whole toolbox.

   hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

   Them cicis brownies with the sprinkled cocaine on top so f**king g fire

   In other news… Elon musk is now going to also buy McDonald’s so he can fix all the ice cream machines

   Remember the Fable of the Tortoise & the Hare. They were both soup the next day.

   What do I know about Bonsai trees? Very little.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   "She doesn't pick the popular Pennsylvania governor. She doesn't pick the astronaut. Instead, she picks the Geo. Phloyd riot guy"

   So musk owns twitter. Does that mean a Tesla will tweet where you parked?

   I met a comedian once. He was a stand-up guy.

   Even though I'm feeling it, I don't believe in this extreme heat I'm feeling.