Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please wear your masks. It saved my friends life. He was having lunch with his girlfriend and his wife didn't recognize him.

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

   Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

   At some point the possum actually dies. Then all that practice finally pays off.

   If someone throws you to the wolves, come back leading the pack.

   NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT IF I SEE SOMEONE WEARING A WWE WRESTLING SHIRT, I AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCT 50 IQ POINTS .

   Worst approval rating in the first hundred days for any president in the last 70 years, huh? Beat his own previous record huh? Great job losers 😂

   The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

   I often wonder what they plant to grow seedless watermelons.

   I'm writing a book on Reverse Psychology. Please don't buy it.

   Hello 911 a straight man is encouraging me to be my best self instead of bringing out the worst in me and idk what to do, send help.

   Pizza is like sex, it's always good even if it's bad.

   Guys, your wife works hard all day. Is it too much to ask for you to get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and plug it in so that it will be ready when she gets home?

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher?

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   Checked my bank account and none of it was fraud it was all me damn

   I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

   If gas prices get any higher, I'm gonna have to file for 'tank-ruptcy

   User is suspected as gay. Please report any Suspicious activity to discord staff.