Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The long and thin goes further in, yet short and thick's what does the trick.

   I rather be sleepy or crazy than doppy.

   you have 1 more see whats left,been damaged, left for dead, returned already what the heck is that? shopping day left!

   She said we needed to talk like she doesn’t realize I paid $200 for these Dr Dre Beats and wanna get my money’s worth

   maybe this whole missing airplane is a Jimmy Kimmel prank taken too far.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get

   Marijuana causes procrastination ,I'm convinced of it .

   The price of great success is the greater fear of losing it all in the end.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down

   it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

   Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Donald Trump has the cojones to break that cycle of absurdity.

   A blonde finds out she's going to have twins and starts crying. "What's wrong," the doctor asked, "Do you not want twins?" The blonde replied, "No, I don't know who the second dad is!"

   I strongly believe voting should be free and fair....only if the voters are white, cis, straight, Christian and super-duper ultra right wing.

   Attention model wannabes on Instagram: Doesn't it bother you a little that 99% of the men who drool over your photos have names written in Aramaic and Sanskrit?

   Only 3 things can make me run When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer", or "The free beer is on fire”

   Cocaine Bear seems kind of unbelievable. A bear that snorts coke would be a lot skinnier.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

   Lefticles mad cause trump is doing great. Best ever

   If you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Melania Trump, don't open it. It might be spam. And if you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Kamala Harris, don't open it. It might be nude pictures of Kamala Harris.

   Putin is like that angry drunk guy at a party. Everyone is trying to calm him down but he's convinced he needs to fight someone.