Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?

   Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*

   you ever had a job where you would just sit on the toilet just to kill time?

   I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company's Board of Directors.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I like you... People say I've got no taste, but I like you...

   It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...

   The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   Am I the only 1 who cheers 4 the grape soda in the Kool-Aid commercials?

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn.

   Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.