Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when men tell me what to do unless it's DJs in songs then I'm like yes sir dropping it now

   I flipped over to the History Channel, but that was in the past.

   aac Newton had an apple before they were cool

   I have my Siri set up as a British Male voice so I can pretend I'm Nightrider or make people think I have a Buttler .

   I had fanasy;s about the female voice in my head. She is Pregnant, Great I have to pay child support for the next 18 years.

   "Remove frozen pizza from box and plastic wrapper before placing in oven." (Oh wow, thanks, Red Baron instructions. I don't think I would have known to do that.)

   I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

   If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one video on how to change the oil in my car does not mean I want to watch a thousand other videos just like it. -Me

   don’t invite me to your crib if you got fake oreos. WTF is “Creme Betweens”

   ima sucker for deep talks... I wanna know what made you a lying ass bi**h...

   Wishing your friends a Happy unplug from technology day on Facebook is like walking into an AA meeting with a bottle of whiskey.

   Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch really isn't that bad. It's kind of manly, makes us feel like we are out camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

   Why are there no biological women trying to break into Men's bathrooms?

   Men, do not treat your woman like an object! It doesn't like that.

   She will always remember this as the day she almost caught captain Jack Sparrow

   I find it humorous that all of a sudden people care about the Afghanistan people. God, humans are so hypocritical.

   Saw this kid dressed as Dracula so I played along and stabbed him with a wooden stake, his mom was not happy