Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon..., it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles are 50 years old. The first WOKE cereals ever.

   They opened a restaurant on the moon. Great food, but no atmosphere.

   Most problems can be solved with nudity

   You know, if you name your kid Jeeves. You've pretty much mapped out his career.

   Amazing Fact: Donald Trump has been shot at more times than Tim Walz.

   The relationship my spouse and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is 19 good guys with guns 78 minutes after they should have intervened.

   It isn't that I'm not a people person, I'm just not a stupid people person.

   I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   FACT: The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your Facebook activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You are all crazy.

   F*ck cancer

   The LA fires are just nature's way of helping motivate those who claimed they'd move out of the country if Trump got elected.

   Dating is like trying on shoes. You think you found a good fit, but it begins to hurt after a little while.

   Gross thought of the day... Vienna sausage juice.

   Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

   Let us march immediately, and never lay down our arms until we obtain our independence. ~ Nathan Hale

   The police.... The only people who ever wanted me for who I really am.