Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells. I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

   I can say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed.

   Some day you'll go far... and I hope you stay there

   We all know it costs $0 to be kind. But did you also know it costs $0 to use your blinker? Don’t be a d-bag. Use your blinker.

   When I was a kid, I had a rich friend whose snooty mom was too classy to buy Hamburger Helper. She bought Ground Beef Assistant.

   I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb an' applied rotation on her sugar plum. - Frank Zappa

   I don't know what's worse: Being caught cheating at a Coldplay concert, or just plain caught being at a Coldplay concert.

   playing genshin impact

   people who do mutinies should be called mutants

   They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

   If I can survive seeing my mom google “best jeans for oddly shaped teens” I can survive anything.

   Word of the Day: Bozone. The aura surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

   Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

   Johnny Depp could have avoided this entire mess if he had simply issued an Amber alert.

   There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

   Why is it, even after I press one for English, I still can't understand the person who comes on the line?

   Just go, Brandon!

   I got mood poisoning from work....has anyone else had that problem?

   I wonder if Charles Manson ever got ashes on Ash Wednesday to cover up that swastika.

   If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it. It's spam.