Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are working too hard when you go to make a call from your home telephone and first dial 9.

   -inventing vodka- who’s thirsty for yeast infected potato juice?

   Affiliate belong to or Blog Website Just a FEW Clicks Away all for forgive start Today!

   I'm a Trust Fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself.

   i remembee when I was little and I thought my friends turning off the light while I was in the toilet was the worst day of my life

   Would the last Baby Boomer to enter heaven please bring a copy of Abbey Road?

   Cops have new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy Pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?

   Leaving your 5yo home alone in Florida is nothing. You can even kill them there and get away with it.

   Santa, you break into people's houses and eat their cookies; don't judge me.

   I can;t afford the "Ring" doorbell so I use "honk" where friends pull up & honk their horn

   Dogs be like, "I can eat that whole cake in return for getting smacked on the ass with a newspaper? I'm goin' in!"

   Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

   The parking lot at Clown College only has one space.

   I miss when Facebook let us be mean af to eachother

   Vaccines are bad, but horse dewormers are good!

   If you're unhappy with summer heat, remember this... you never have to shovel sunshine off your sidewalk.

   My Guardian Angel gets Hazardous Duty Pay.

   A lot of women complain that their husband never listens. I'm very proud to say, I've never heard my wife say that.

   accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

   Cops came to my house, accusing my dog of chasing a guy in his Mustang ... I told the cops my dog wouldn't be caught dead driving a Ford