Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks

   Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.

   It's sooooo hot, Hunter put ice in his coke

   Hey did you guys catch Jimmy Kimmel lastnight? Me either

   Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

   I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

   Transgender children are like vegetarian cats. You know darn well it's the adult who's making the decision.

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   secretly wishing that Steve Garvey will someday be announcing winners of UFC cage matches.

   Best moment to sleep: 5% - in the evening, 95% - in the morning.

   Buggs Bunny and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Buggs asks Elmer, “Is this whiskey?” Elmer replies, “Not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!”

   I hate using Drano. You're literally pouring $4.00 dollars down the drain.

   Her: I want you to wreck my guts Me: *undercooks her chicken*

   If they give you Mouse Ears at Disneyland, what do they give you at Dollywood?

   For those who haven't a clue, today's subway shooting did not occur at a sandwich shop.

   wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, please remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got social media.

   Dear Eric, Canada isn’t for sale. But feel free to borrow some Canadian snow to cool down your dad’s hot air.