Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. Then he met a man who had no legs. Then he met a man who had no brain. And that ended right there with Joe Biden.

   Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

   just saw a guy wipe ketchup off his girlfriend's moustache in McDonald's. And they say romance is dead.

   No matter how old I am, when I am eating a bag of Bugles, I will never be mature enough to not put them on my fingertips and make claws.

   I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

   my neighbor says that his son called him and said he thought his roommate was gay.... he asked his son why he thought that... son says, well dad everytime I kiss him, he giggles

   I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

   Last night My wife and I had words but I never got to use mine.

   DC Comics introduced its first-ever transgender character. The character is called "Wonder If It's a Woman."

   I find it interesting how some women won't date a man that lives with his mother, but will date a man that lives with his wife.

   Donald Trump’s obsession with Canada is like his tanning lotion: unnecessary, over-applied, and a little sad.

   McDonald's New Big Mac Slogan: “Two Paper-Thin, Not Convinced They're Actual Beef Patties, Ketchup/Tarter Sauce Combo, Pale Lettuce, Fake Cheese Product, Pickles, Rehydrated Onions on a Miniscule Sesame Seed Bun.”

   Gonorrhea would have been a great name for an anti-diarrhea medicine.

   I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. But here were no police officers involved.

   Thin pancakes give me the crepes

   It's amazing how one transgender can trigger so much hate and ignorance. Like honestly, how are people like that affecting your lives?

   The problem isn't the puppet or the puppeteer. It's the imbeciles in the audience screaming for an encore.

   Supreme Court sides with Trump. Get the illegals outta here.

   I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?