Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Buzz Aldrin is kind of narcissistic. I saw him giving a speech and he said, "I am the second person to walk on the moon. Neil before me."

   Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

   I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

   My adopted highway called the Department of Transportation to find his real father.

   If you ever meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because she might be a man. Women don't do that.

   I'm sure Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend’s house.

   Honestly, I think pregnancy test commercials would be a whole lot more authentic if they showed two single people high-fiving when it’s negative

   I couldn't afford one of those DNA/ancestry kits, so instead, I posted that I won the lottery.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and be quiet. Well, guess what? She couldn't do either.

   never done absentee ballot voting before. Do I mail all 7 back at one time or space them out?

   I just returned from a Christmas concert put on by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.

   Why isn't anyone using the "Truth social" media platform?

   Woo hoo, camouflage condoms. They will never see me cumming.

   I showed my Facebook page to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.

   I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.

   Why is it that in womens feminine product commercials they're always laughing and dancing? Shouldn't they be reving chainsaws & burning sh** down?

   I choose what restaurants to go to, based on if they have Mr. Pibb

   Since we only have pop tarts and no mom tarts, Kellogg's is introducing, "Gender Neutral Tarts."

   The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be Happy . Now I live with 6 Dwarfs and work in a forest..

   A Charlie Brown Christmas, but the tree is Eric Trump’s brainchild: flimsy, artificial, and overinflated by Dad’s credit card.