Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that moment when you open the ice cream tub in the fridge only to find there's no ice cream but instead something completely random

   You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

   Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

   Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

   I'm smart enough to know that the Canadian 'sludge' in the Keystone pipeline was going to the Gulf of Mexico to be refined into gas, as Canada has only a few refineries of their own.

   You Matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

   I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

   The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

   I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

   When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

   I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening... and then have to start all over again.

   For a generation who can't find a "good man" you ladies sure are pregnant a lot.

   Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

   i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

   I asked my dentist "What will make my teeth whiter? He said "Try polish." I said "OK, Co sprawi, że moje zęby będą bielsze?

   A friend will be there with tissues. But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat saying, "Who hurt you and do I need a shovel"?

   i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in January

   What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

   The president's economic reset over the next 3-6 months might be a little rocky, but the USA is entering a Golden Age of prosperity. Great for the kids! 🙂